It’s been quite a few months since I’ve updated this blog, and perhaps one or two of you might wonder where I’ve been since I last updated (or wrote anything) on this blog. I assuming that there be more than a few questions, so like intro to the Questlove book, I’m gonna do a quick (for me) Q & A with myself, answering where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing for the last 4 or 5 months. Because to be quite honest, it’s a whole hell of a lot more fun doing it this way, even if it makes me appear self absorbed (which I promise you I’m not) or worse, schizophrenic. But I hope you enjoy simply because I planned for this to be fun in the best way possible simply because I’d hate for it to be boring.
So where the hell have you been actually?
Let’s see, I moved out from the outskirts of Dilworth to the edge of Union County to a nice sleepy area of the suburbs called Weddington. Primarily because the apartment complex that my wife and I had lived in had decided to raise their rent to astronomical prices that it’d be absolutely ridiculous to stay there. More importantly the house we’re currently living in right now was not only unoccupied, but also rent free as the mortgage was already paid off. All my wife and I have to pay is utilities, cable and car payments (more on that later). On top of that, we share the costs with my sister in law since she decided that she didn’t want to live by herself. So it’s one big happy family.
So what’s the reason for your long absence?
Well, for those who haven’t followed my Twitter feed all that often, I was diagnosed with partial PTSD and general anxiety disorder back in August of 2012. A lot of that has to do with my upbringing as a child and a young adult on the mean streets of East Setauket, NY (there are a few of ya’ll that will get the joke in that). After about 6 months or so of trying to do it without medication, I finally gave in an got put on Lexapro, which is a very mild antidepressant and anxiety medication. I’ve been on since the end of February, and been adjusting to it and there’s been little to no side effects. It’s made home life easier, especially for my wife (who’s a saint, and no she didn’t tell me to write that). But it’s come with some costs also.
You still haven’t really given the real reason you haven’t been writing.
Remember the costs I just brought up? The biggest one has been my ability to write, primarily because my writing before was just one big anxiety attack, the tone of my blogs were just overly mean-spirited and even if the subjects deserved such snark. It’s not how I was attempting to come across, and how I come across is one of those things I try to keep a vigilant watch over in every aspect of life. More importantly, I’ve had to learn to write without the motivation of sheer anxiety or the fact that I’m competing with myself, not the rest of the people in the blogosphere. I wrote out of a sense to prove self worth by adulation of readers and the longer I’ve gone to therapy and done some more self analysis I’ve found that it’s not about that, or at least it shouldn’t be about that for me.
In fact I recently came across a Youtube of Bomani Jones answering a boatload of questions from fans/followers of Around The Horn, and the thing that struck a chord with me the most was that writers had to find their own voice. So to sum up why I’ve been gone, I’ve had to find my own writing voice, and for someone that really never took the time to know himself, much less his own writing voice, it took a while.
So have you found your writing voice yet?
No, and it may take a little while longer. But I’m finally at the point where a blank Word document doesn’t completely intimidate me anymore. I try to spend at least 15 to 20 minutes a day on my Day 1 Journaling app to get back to where I’d like to be.
So what does the future potentially hold?
I want to be better at this writing thing first, and maybe when I’m ready, hop back in the saddle for Charlotte Viewpoint or possibly the South Charlotte news (if either will have me) and possibly more in store. I’m not writing to prove to people how smart/successful/great I am anymore; I’m doing this because I want to do it. For me that is a big step from where I was even 6 months ago, and if I can do that much growth, who knows where it may lead me in the future.
Let’s stop doing this internal Q&A before people really start thinking you’re schizophrenic.
I agree, hope this answers a few questions and possibly get’s you ready for what’s coming in the future, peace ya’ll.